NEW YORK, NY—Local progressive and self-described “brave social justice advocate” Brian Dyer often pats himself on the back after winning an online argument with “backward conservative bigots.”
But on Friday, Dyer may have gone too far, as he shot his hand down his back and began patting with such vigor that he dislocated his shoulder entirely.
“I guess I got a little carried away this time,” he told the team that responded to his tweets for help. “I often strain my muscles while giving myself a round of applause or patting myself on the back. This time though, I was particularly pleased with myself for my superior virtue signaling, and my arm moved violently to pat my back just as a natural reflex.”
One medical professional said that over 40,000 progressive activists are taken to the hospital with dislocated shoulders that occurred in an attempt to pat themselves on the back in a moment of smug superiority each year.
“It’s a very common injury among the left,” Dr. Evan Stine of Johns Hopkins told reporters. “Many hospitals in large, left-leaning metro areas are upgrading their trauma wards to handle the influx of dislocated shoulders.”
At publishing time, a Republican man had suffered a bloody nose after tripping over himself to rush to President Trump’s aid in an online comment section.